You’re with a man now. So does that mean you’re gay?

Bi Week 2019, Day 5

No. I really can’t get much simpler than that.

Bisexual is often seen as a combination of gay and straight, rather than a sexuality in its own right. There is this idea that bisexual is a temporary state, a phase whilst we figure out which one we are. When we get into a relationship, people think that we have finally “chosen a side”. But this isn’t how bisexual works.

Think of the implications of that. If my sexuality is based on who I am in a relationship with, what happens if that relationship ends? If being with a man made me gay, then when I become single do I not have a sexuality anymore? Do I revert back to that bisexual phase? Or is the side I’ve chose now permanent? Can I only date men from here on out?

Bisexuality is a permanent state. I could have a relationship with a man, lasting a few years and have it end. After that, I could then get into a relationship with a woman, or a non-binary person. Bisexuality is not determined by our current partner, or indeed our historic dating and sexual history. It is purely about who we are attracted to.

Think about it like this. If you are straight and you’re in a relationship, you’re not going to suddenly stop finding anyone else attractive, are you? At the very least, there will be celebrities that you fancy. This still applies when you’re bisexual. However, instead, the attraction exists with people of multiple genders, different genders and to those without a gender. That attraction doesn’t disappear, just as it doesn’t disappear for monosexual people.